As I was working on some social media marketing for Littles & Co. Creative Studio I’ll Rise Up by Andra Day began to play. It’s a song I’ve heard many times. Today it hit my heart, and got me in my feels.
I could relate!
There has never been a day where I don’t have to talk myself into fighting past the pain of Chiari. The conversation typically sounds like this:
“It would be great to wake up without a headache.”, says me.
“Alright, Deb, I know it’s rough, but you have bills to pay. You can do this!!! It’s always easier once you get going.”, replies myself to me.
Nor has there been a night, when my house is quiet that my mind doesn’t force me to look in the rearview mirror.
“Today ended up being a pretty good day.”, I say.
“Ha, are you sure? Did you remember to __________? Nope. You forgot again just like when ______________. I guess _________ is right about you.”, says the nasty negative voice in my head.
That’s one of the nicer conversations I have with myself.
Clearly, I don’t offer enough grace to myself.
It’s not surprising though.
I became someone whom I can’t stand, all to please someone who would never be satisfied.
I protected someone who would never protect me.
I took the high road when I should have stood my ground against that person.
Every “if only…”, “I should have…”, “I could have…”, “Why didn’t I…”, “Why did I…” has created a significant pattern of hatred for self. All of which that person has used to their advantage.
It’s a tragic thing when the disgust for someone else is redirected upon self because it’s the only way to comprehend what has happened.
When this has been a pattern for decades, it’s not so easy to break.
Recognizing it is the first step. Right?
Battling it exhausting, but necessary.
Remembering that we all have our battles helps me stay in the fight. There’s something soothing in knowing my struggle is not foreign to humankind.
Not one single person who has ever lived is immune to having been exposed to evil. Knowing that others have managed to conquer their demons in incredibly empowering.
Sometimes demons take on human form. It’s important to remember that evil thrives on the fear. They can sense it and they use it to their advantage.
Fear gives power to evil.
Facing the people, and things, that terrify me the most takes their power away.
That’s courage in it’s rawest form. Gritty badass courage. And it takes the power back.
Silencing that nasty negative voice is an added benefit.
I’m all about that.
Here’s to living a gritty badass courageous life.
Here’s to rising up…a thousand times.