Dear Me…Never Ever Settle, Live With Regrets and Be Courageous

Part two to the Dear Me letter to my 16 year old self. You can find part one here.

Never. ever. settle!

You think you’re not beautiful, your happiness doesn’t matter, no one can love you, and your dreams are selfish. You couldn’t be more wrong!

This lack of belief in who you are will cause you to think you have the best you can get, which isn’t all that great.

Thinking you will always be alone and lonely if you don’t compromise, you settle. Compromise stinks, girl! Don’t do it!

You *will* see the light right before you make a permanent decision but you will already be so vested you can’t find the way out.

You will cry your way through your wedding, not because you’re happy, but because you know you’re settling and fighting the urge to apologize and run back up the aisle. Being a committed non-quitter you trudge forward and make one of the greatest mistakes of your life.

 

LIVE WITH REGRETS!

No, that’s not a typo. 

This is the hardest thing for me to write because there is no question that settling will give you regrets. Yet, there are some regrets worth having.

How is that for giving you mixed signals?!

Your older self will have…wait for it…8, yes, eight, amazing (!) children that she would go through every. single. pregnancy. every. single. birth. every. single. sleepless. night. every. single. day. of their lives. every. single. day. of her “settled” life to continue to have them in her life!!!!

As much as I wish I would have held out for someone much better for me, I know that 8 wonderful people might not be in my life had I done so. How then do I tell you to rob me of the most precious blessings I have ever experienced? I simply, and most selfishly, can’t.

Please, let me live with that one regret. I’m certain I can handle it.

 

BE COURAGEOUS! 

When you are only 40 (I know it sounds old, trust me, it’s young. Very young.) you will be faced with something that will require a great deal of courage and faith. You will be told you have Chiari malformation. After weeks of research you will have to decide if you are willing to continue to degenerate physically, and neurologically, or take a huge risk with an open dura Posterior Fossa Brain decompression surgery.

Yeah, the vet tech in you thinks the brain surgery is cool. The human being in you thinks there’s no way you can be brave enough for it.

You come face to face with Mom’s death from a brain aneurysm nearly 30 years earlier.

You cry yourself to sleep every night, for weeks. Wishing and praying that you had a husband who loved you enough to walk the road with you.

Don’t lose heart because God is there, as He promised He would be. And this is all God giving you a 2nd chance that you needed. An awakening of sorts.

 

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Dear Me…You Are God’s Beloved and Your Dreams Are Important

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Farmer’s Daughter at 1986 Farmer’s Fair. The 16 year old me is 2nd from right.

Dear Younger Me,

Over the years, those ever SHORT years…27 of them to be exact, since I was the age you are now, 16, young and excited about my future…I have thought about the words I would say to the me of then. You know, the “if only I would have known” words?!

I have always pushed those words to the back of my mind because, in all honesty, I thought they were best left unsaid. Even now I hesitate to say them lest they be misunderstood. I believe though, that transparency is always a good thing.

Today as I turn 43 I think it’s time to let the words come to the forefront. So here we go…

YOU ARE GOD’S BELOVED

Stop shaking your head at me!

I know the negative emotion that stirs up in your heart when you hear His name. The hatred caused by your Mommy’s death when you were only 10. It has left an after taste all these years later.

Trust me here that God is good and he does love you. In a few years you will see Him for who He really is.

Prepare to be amazed!

Prepare to be inspired to greater things! Rip you out of your comfort zone sorts of things.

Prepare to be conflicted because of the secret abuses you endure.

Prepare to feel all those feelings towards God, of when you were little, as you go through a horrific divorce.

Prepare to do STUPID…and I mean CRAZY STUPID…things as you lose all but that tiny mustard seed of your faith and believe for a time God has turned His back on you.

Prepare to believe that the Man who could never not (is that functional grammar 😉 ) love you must truly hate you. How could He otherwise allow a monster to reign while you continue to suffer injustices?

Prepare to see again that God’s love is not dependent on man, yourself, or those who claim to love Him.

YOUR DREAMS ARE IMPORTANT

Right now you envision swimming with dolphins and whales. That dream will never leave your heart, at least it hasn’t yet.

I know you’re already feeling the exasperation that you set this dream aside for someone else’s, because your dreams matter to you. Dream is as important a word to you as love.

I encourage you to own the feelings and disappointments as coming from your own choices.

Move on. Dream new dreams. Believe me, they are wonderful dreams!!!

Oh, you’ll be creating scrapbooks for the FFA Star Regional Reporter contest (you win that, by the way, and get to compete at State). That matters because they are the beginnings of the Graphic Designer you will be when you are my age.

OK, you can quit giggling already! I know you don’t think you’re in artist. Accept that there is a deeply creative artistic person hidden within you. Nurture her. 

…TO BE CONTINUED tomorrow.

365 Fresh Starts

I love the new year! Don’t you? We all should.

Every new year offers us 365 fresh starts. The potential of writing life’s story on fresh pages beckons to me all throughout December. It’s almost irresistible.

Last year this blog became my place to blog that story. You’ve read through my trials of Chiari Malformation, and the necessary brain surgery. Those of you who have the ability to read between the lines surely saw my grief as my marriage imploded. Many rejoiced with my straight A’s in college. My strength came to the forefront in a new life, a new chance.

2011 was packed full of trials for me! What 2012 will hold for this single mother of 8 is yet to be seen. I’m excited to know that the flood waters I passed through each and every day last year are finally receding. My health is better than it’s been most of my adult life. I no longer fear what man can do unto me. I pillow my head each night and sleep well. Very well.

I have a new perspective on life, of God and relationships. In short, I LOVE my new life!

Join me this year as I share my joys, views, and hopes for the year! And spread the word.

Normal

Hello everyone!  I hope you all have been doing well in my sabbatical from blogging.  I needed to take some time for recovery.  Once I regained my strength I took some time to get back into the swing of things.  Well, sort of.  It is a start anyways. 

I am doing remarkably well.  Before surgery my Aunt kept telling me God was going to heal me.  She had the faith that would be the case.  I am deeply challenged by her faith and confidence in God’s answer to her prayers.  Truthfully, I was certain I was going to come out changed.  Most of my confidence rested on my Aunt’s faith. 

The day I went into surgery I had such peace.  It was as though God enveloped me into His tender care.  I was not fearful.  I was not fretting.  I was confident that if God brought me out of the surgery I would be as He desired.  In the same respect, if He took me home to be with Him I would be as He desired.   I sat in the chair in my pre-surgical room and through the storm clouds outside the window streams of sunlight flooded upon me.  “Be still and know that I am God…” Psalm 46:10 came to the forefront of my mind, followed quickly by Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.”

As I entered the surgical prep area I enjoyed looking around and seeing what everyone was doing.  Then I was out like a light.  I barely recall the feeling of my intubation tube being removed.  The next memory is waking up to dry heaves and the exploding pain in the back of my head.  The first coherent thought was, “Oh dear, what have I done.”   A moment later a saying came to mind, “Don’t question in the storm what was certain upon the shore.” 

Now several weeks out from my decompression I feel normal.  At least I think this is what normal must feel like.  I’m not confident because I don’t think I have ever experienced ‘normal’.  If this is normal, I LOVE it.  It was well worth the pain and agony to arrive at this place.

God is using that experience to help me with another trial that has completely overwhelmed my senses.  As much as I prefer to have the same deliverance I am sensing that God would have me to embrace this trial in the same way as the Chiari.  With complete abandon. 

The past several days God has elaborated on the verses He used the morning and recovery of my surgery.  He has brought me into a captivity of sorts.  It is He that will deliver me from what He has allowed, in His due time.    

My surgery story…

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Hello to all who have been keeping up with my post-op recovery.  I’m very thankful to say that I am doing well.  I have had some really good low pain to pain free days.  Other than when the storm fronts move in I have felt better than I have in years.

For those wondering,  I can tell you all what kind of surgery I have had beyond the basic Posterior Fossa Brain Decompression.  [Note: see links at right for more information.] That means my bill arrived a couple days ago.  Thank God we had insurance because my brain just became un-insurable (is that a word?) in that major companies won’t underwrite me anymore…or at least the major companies I contacted aren’t offering me insurance.  😦 

For some reason they don’t like big spenders like me.  I guess they’d rather buy themselves cars instead of forking over the $$$ to the neurosurgeon.

So here’s what was on my bill: 
1. Craniotomy for Chiari Malformation 1
2. Craniectomy-explore/decompress cranial nerve
3. Neuroplasty
4. Cranioplasty-skull defect 5cm
5. Use of microscrope
6. Intraoperative ultrasound
7-11. Ditto #’s 1-4 for the NS assistant.

Of course, added to this will be anesthesia, anesthiologist, neurophysiology, neurophysiologist, nurses, ICU, reg room, drugs, food, monitoring, monitors, rolls of tape, IV’s, tubes, catheters, labs, radiology…and all the other bills not delivered to my mailbox, just yet, and still pending insurance payment.

I haven’t met with my NS yet for a post-op check so I don’t have anything from the surgery other than what we were told right after.  Which was that they saw a 50% improvement on my left side (which is where, from the consultation report, the major compression was) and the operation was a success. 

Notice I didn’t say cure.  There is no cure for ACM!  Only ways to lessen, hopefully, or at the least pause damage to the brain and central nervous system.

Back to the surgery…As you all know there was a delay in my surgery, a change took place that I was unaware of, and so, I had to wait a few hours extra to begin my recovery.  I had such peace before surgery that I was good with the wait.   I was able to spend some time alone with the Lord and He gave me a song and a Bible verse to strengthen me.  It was a wonderful time of worship for me and a life altering experience.  This condition has been filled wth moments like this that I will cherish.

I had little to no anxiety until after surgery.  And then it was because it felt as though my head was going to split apart every time I had the dry heaves.  That was actually why I hit my pain pump trigger…to stop the nausea which happened everytime I roused from my delirium. 

I began to feel better and hit the button less and less so my NS stopped the pain pump. I had only used it a handful of times and was saying I was at a 6-7.  Was I insane, or what?  Definitely!  My pain was off the charts at times.  It just wasn’t the times they happened to be asking me to give them a number.  It was the times when I hit the button.  So when they asked, I didn’t want to seem ungrateful and knew I had to adjust to the pain at some point, so I didn’t force the issue.

They realized my pain had increased and put me back on the pain pump, that time with Morphine.  It made me feel odd.  Flushed.  Breathing was difficult.  My neck seemed constricted.  So I didn’t use it, but 3 times.  (Compare that to the other pain pump where I was counting the minutes until I could push the button again.)  At the same time they were pushing 3 different nausea meds into my IV, alternating each one every 2 hours. 

It was during those high pain dry heave stricken moments that I questioned why I was there.  Thinking that maybe I should’ve waited until the Chiari symptoms were more serious.  Just like every delivery with each of my 8 kids it was too late to chicken out.  I went back to the many times I had spent with the Lord asking His will for me and I knew HE had me there. 

Rather than focus on the pain I did what I knew to do, get in my zone.  ‘My zone’ came about when I was pregnant with baby #4 and knowing I could block out all but the worst of the pain by thinking about something else.  So I got in my zone by using those moments to pray for others.  I have no idea how complete those prayers were due to the drugs and pain.  I do know there were a few people who God consistently impressed upon my heart who are facing more difficult trials that I managed to ask God to help.

I would end up falling asleep during those prayers and would wake up with the pain only to complete the cycle.  Even though I had family and dear friends there in my room their company wasn’t enough.  At times it was more painful because I had to think to answer their questions.  Or their voices in the room were more than I could bear with my extra sensitive hearing.  They always entered a dark room because I had severe photofobia.  I look back at these snapshots in my mind and it seems like it was just a few hours, or so. 

There is something profoundly more painful having to lie flat on your back for 48 hours.  Not only did that cramp my side sleeping preference but it put all the pressure on my incision.  Which means the staples in the back of my newly enlarged head were constantly being pressed.  My neck was too stiff and painful to turn it to the side to relieve the pain.  Nor could I use a pillow to alleviate some of the pressure.  Thankfully, the bed was brand new and fairly comfortable or I would have been telling them I was a 15 or 20.

I struggled wth the nausea for all of 2 1/2 days and I was incredibly hungry and in withdrawal from the nightly meds I took at home.  I couldn’t tolerate swallowing anything, even small pieces of ice, pills were out of the question.  So had the dry heaves been resolved I still had issues from a very parched and swollen mouth and throat.  All of that began to resolve on Thursday late morning after I was able to eat, and keep down, a fresh fruit cup.  That afternoon I was up walking the ‘block’ around the unit.

Wednesday morning they started raising the head of my bed by 10 degrees every hour.  That was hard to handle.  Not only did the nausea hit but it also increased the pressure to the back of my head. 

That afternoon they had me moved out of ICU and into a regular room.  But they forgot to lift the bed…and I didn’t remind them.  My nurse that night then tried to play catch-up by telling me I needed to order some food to eat.  The idea of food was appealing but all I could stomach was broth.  Thankfully my NS checked on me before my food got there and he gave me the order to stay put in bed.  I was a bit too excited and might as well have said, “nana,nana, boo boo” to my nurse when she told me I needed to sit in a chair to eat.

On Thursday the NS assistant/resident (not sure what he’s called) saw me that afternoon and about choked on his surprise.  I was looking pretty bad Wednesday morning so he was pleased to see such great improvement.  Discharge papers were signed and waiting on Friday morning.  Since I was feeling so good and our insurance expired that day I felt it was time to head home.  (And definitely a blessing from God that I could!) 

I took a shower.  Did my best to cover my ‘zipper’.  Took my pain meds and headed out with Jay.  She stayed with us for a week and took care of the kids, and me.  They had a blast going to Build-A-Bear and Albanese Candy Factory with their Grandma Jay.  And she is having withdrawals from a lack of hugs and kisses.

So, that’s about all I remember other than the 9 seconds it took me to fall asleep under the anesthesia. 

Oh, and waking up to the tube being pulled from my throat.  And in recovery when they kept calling my name – Debra (that’s my official I’m in trouble get my attention name, woke me up *every* time).  I remember telling the nurses (and my family, I think) “I’m alive, praise God.”

That’s my experience in a pretty big nutshell.  Sorry for the long post.  If anyone has questions feel free to ask away here or email me if you prefer.  I will do my best to answer.

Before I close this post I would like for everyone reading to know that God answers prayer.  I have no doubts about that.  And I really have my prayer warriors to thank for lifting my name before the throne of God.  I’m ever so thankful for all of you who prayed!  And I’m thankful to the Lord Who was with me every moment!!!

Love,
Debbie

Week 3 Post-op Update

Today has been a bit odd for me.  I have very little pressure in my head.  The muscular tension type headache I had yesterday and for the past few days is no longer noticible.  I have what I haven’t had in over 3 years…a relatively pain free day.  Funny thing, I’ve been sleeping most of today.  Another thing I haven’t been able to do, rest well.

As a result my thinking is clearer, my mind not so strained to remember silly words that before I had used countless times without any effort. 

I was told by my pain management doctor that someone who is in chronic pain, especially with headaches, begins to lose the ability to deal well with life in general.  The reason has to do with the inability to be relieved of the pain.

Take a moment to remember the last time you had a headache.  What was the first thing you did?  Now imagine that all the steps taken to soothe the pain didn’t help.  And your pain continued to worsen.

Thinking hurts.  Reading hurts.  Resting hurts.  Sleep is elusive.  Loud sounds hurt.  Bright lights hurt.  Talking hurts.  Sleep is still elusive.  Daily life becomes exhausting.  I have read that chronic daily headaches can drive a person to madness.

Some prescribed medicines actually contribute to the cycle of pain through the rebound effect.  The longer and the more you take the meds the less effective it becomes and the more often you need to take the meds.              

In my case, I was prescribed some medicines to help me sleep.  I didn’t have a clue that one of the prescriptions had addictive qualities.  I was simply told it was better to wean off that medicine.  I had already begun that process and was on the last titer down before entering the hospital.  On days 2 and 3 after surgery I had episodes where all my muscles contracted at one time.  I would catch myself clinching my jaw and noticed that my back hurt because I was literally stiff as a board.  I assumed it was mostly a reaction to the stress from surgery.  It may have been, in part, but it was mainly from withdrawals.  No wonder the ICU nurse was so concerned about getting the surgeon to prescribe that med via IV (I couldn’t keep anything down, at this point).

Thankfully that was as bad as it got and my withdrawals from that med appear to be over. At least I didn’t wake up soaking wet from sweat, my dreams are becoming less frightening, and I am feeling more rested.

However, I am on another highly addictive med for the pain, prescribed after surgery.  I am thankful for the friends God has put into my life whom He has used their experiences to be of help to me.  Now I am taking all my meds with a greater awareness and cautiousness.  It is my prayer that all of this trial with my health would be used of God for His glory!

Thank you for your continued prayers!

Debbie 

Post-op Update

I feel absolutely silly.  I must have dreamed that I updated you all this past weekend. What I thought I wrote is not here. 

A full week has passed since the surgery.  Can you believe it?  I can’t.  At times it felt like the excruciating pain and nausea those first few days post-op would never (!) end.  That was by far the hardest thing I’ve had to bear.  It was bad enough to be sick to my stomach, but it took on an entirely different dimension with the back of my head full of sutures and staples. 

Rest was hard to find because I had to be flat on my back, I was terribly hungry, my head hurt inside and out, and if I wasn’t being awakened by dry heaves the nurses were calling my name and asking how I was.  Apparantly I was so desperate for relief I had the button for my pain pump of hydromorphone pressed while I was asleep.  There was one point where I found myself counting down the time before I could press the button once again.

That part lasted only a couple of days.  Thank, God!!!  Before I knew it, and wanted it, they began raising the head of my bed by 10% every hour.  That was tough!  It was very disorientating and felt like the worst episodes of vertigo I’ve ever had.

That afternoon they moved me out of the ICU and into a regular room,with a pretty view of lake Michigan.  Which I didn’t see until Thursday afternon due to an inability to handle so much light.  I did agree with the nurses, it was a nice view.  And I’m glad I got to enjoy it before they sent me home Friday morning.

I came home with my mom as chauffeur.  I didn’t even think about until now that the cloud cover was a blessing because I wasn’t subjected to bright sunlight for the 3 hour ride.  Another blessing was the smooth traffic and roads. When the roads got bumpy it was very jarring and overstimulating.

Not too much has happened since I got home, other than rest.  Lots and lots of rest.  And with that, much improvement.  I’m beginning to wean myself off the Vicodin, and Flexeril now I’m taking them 3x a day instead of 4.  The constant eye burn is gone.  Neck, shoulder, arm, back and leg pain has been reduced.  I can walk in an almost straight line.  My reflexes aren’t so hyper-sensitive.  Headaches have improved. Pressure within my head has decreased.  Incisions are healing.

I still have some noise in my ears – ringing, sounds of pulsing, and extra high sensitivity to loud sounds (dog bark, crying, doors opening and closing, dishes clanking, etc); as well as the irritation and feeling of over-stimulation when more than one person is talking, or someone is trying to talk over all the noise.  I have a hard time distinguishing one voice from another.  But that has been a long standing issue for me, at least since 2nd grade.

Swallowing is improving also.  I’m learning to get the meds into my mouth before the water.  Can’t tip my head back far enough for the water to stay in my mouth.  I’ve always done it the opposite way.  But I can take several pills at a time now and nothing gets stuck.

Sleep has been decent too.  I’m actually dreaming a lot the past few days.  I can tell you about some of the dreams because I remember them.  Whereas before surgery I don’t remember more than a couple dreams a month.

And the best yet, I can think!  It doesn’t take me forever to process thoughts.  Nor do I have as much of an issue remembering common words.

I truly praise the Lord for all of this. 

Contact Info

Hello everyone I am amazed that tomorrow by this time I will be recovering from a successful surgery.  :-D.  I’m scared, at times.  I think tomorrow will be hardest.  I keep thinking about how your prayers and the Lord’s grace helped me through the tests on the 9th.  He will help me through this.

A friend reminded me that I hadn’t included information on where I’ll be.

My surgery begins at 11:30am, but I need to be there for surgery preps at 9:30. 

Columbia St. Mary’s 2323 Lake Dr., Milwaukee, WI 53211 414.291.1000

I don’t have a room #.  I will be in ICU for 2 days then moved to a regular room for 3 more days.

I am having a posterior fossa brain decompression for Chiari 1 Malformation.  The recovery, because they have to open the brain dura, will be hard.  They say I will be on a morphine drip for at least a couple days until my CSF replenishes.

3 Days to go…

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“For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of good, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.”  Jeremiah 29:11

Though all of this literally side-swiped me I am reminded that God knew all of this.  This wasn’t some cosmic accident.  It is how God, my Potter, wonderfully and fearfully made me.  Not with a malformation, or a birth defect.  He didn’t take a break when as a baby in my mother’s womb my spine and skull were being formed. 

Nor has He taken a break now.  I find that so wonderfully thoughtful of God.  It’s not like we’re in the Amazing Race or the Biggest Loser.  Take a wrong turn, or gain a pound and we are outta here.  There may be times we feel this way, but just as the wall art says we must trust His heart.  I believe that God is not removed from my situation.  As my Sovereign King He is orchastrating my life to be one of honor and glory to Him.

I’ve had lots of times where I know God has placed me at a cross road.  I’m there now.  You see Chiari is not my only trial.  God has helped me to embrace the Chiari and all it means.

Pain.
Grief.
Misunderstandings.
Apathy.
Sympathy.
Compassion.
Empathy.
Suffering.
Fear.
God.
Christ.
Closeness.
Intensity in prayer.
Enemies.
Friends.
Comfort.
Disgust.
Love.
Sacrifice.

What a unique place I am in right now.  I cry myself to sleep each night.  Usually it begins with fear, than turns to trust.  I don’t want to fail God in this.  I want God to use me through this. 

I’m not a failure because I need brain surgery.

I’m not a failure because I want brain surgery.

I’m not a failure because I fear the outcome.

I’m human!  God created me and oh how He knew this would draw me closer to Him.  I’ve never felt more dependant upon God than I am now.  Never more in love with Him because of who He is for me!

I’m human!  God created me with emotions and a strong personality.  For years I have rejected the person God created because, well, it didn’t fit into the image of the Proverbs 31 woman.  I attempted to fit myself into the mold. 

Squeeze.

Push.

Pull.

Berate.

Pretend.

Something occurred to me this past month…God gave us His Word for edification, instruction in righteousness.  I thought about all the imperfect people in the Bible.  I thought about the different personailites.  And then it dawned on me…Paul said follow me as I follow after Christ.  He didn’t say be exactly like me and you will be a follower of Christ.  There was an allowance, I believe, in his appeal for humanity.  (That’s a whole other blog, Lord willing.)

Jesus didn’t tell the woman at the well to go be like His mother.  The woman caught in adultery to be perfect.  Martha to quit serving and be entirely like Mary.  God gifted Mary with an natural inclination to worship; Martha with a natural inclination to serve. 

So all that said, come Monday afternoon God will have gifted me, I trust, with a successful surgery.  I also pray and hope He will gift me grace for all He’s trying to accomplish in and through my life.  I doubt I will wake up to be Mrs. Duggar, always sweet and calmly meek in my demeanor.  Haha.  Could you imagine that?  Lol.

I will wake up as exactly who God would have me to be!  Glory to God!….Debbie Borrman, stubborn, cautious, motivated, tell it like it is, follower of Jesus Christ, ME! 

Oh, I’ll also be a newly inducted member of the “zipperhead” club!  Wahoo!  

CaringBridge

I have started a CaringBridge site to update on my upcoming surgery and recovery.  I hope you will stop by over there.  Hopefully once I’m “up and running” again I’ll copy the posts and paste them here.  Until then, for Chiari related posts please visit me there.  You can even keep updated on your moblie device.

 

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