Merrilly disappointed?!?!

How do you handle adversity and the many disappointments in life?  If you’re anything like me you want to change them.  Something, anything, less painful would be better. 

“OK, God, I’ve learned my lesson now can we get on with life?”

I haven’t learned everything about God’s sovereignty.  And He gave me a perfect illustration of that today.  I had it all worked out in my mind.  I would see my Neurologist, he would see the nerve blocks haven’t stopped my pain and I would be merrilly on my way to the Chiari specialist. 

NOT!!!

I cried myself to sleep last night over the confusion of what God was doing.  Why should I have to rack up more medical bills trying to eliminate a possibility instead of just treating the obvious?  Why do I have to go through all of the deep waters right now?  Why not just the medical stuff?

I found myself explaining to God, “God You know the injections are so expensive.  You know they haven’t offered any great relief.  You know that because my meds make me loopy, come 7pm I’m counting the minutes until I can take my bedtime meds and escape from the constant pain.  You know my husband is unemployed.  You know I can’t homeschool my children.  You know I can’t even sweep the floor with a regular broom..bend down to pick up anything…think.  Please help me see what You are doing?  Help me Jesus, please!”

Soon after, God graced me with sleep. I fell asleep clutching my “God blankie”.  That’s what my 3 year old “baby” calls it. My “God blankie” is actually a prayer shawl that was a gift to me from a supporting church.  Though I have had it only a few months it brings comfort to my heart.   I know that a prayer went up to God with every crochet stitch.  Last night, though, I doubted that any of the prayers were future tense.

I awoke this morning to the ring of a message having arrived in my inbox.  I had contacted a Chiari specialist on my own last night before I took my meds and the message was from him.  Yes, he would look at my films.  Yes, he would offer a 2nd opinion.  This gave me the courage to contact 2 other specialists I had researched.  Yes, they would take a look at my films.  Yes, they would offer me a second opinion.  And one of them is in network for my insurance! 

Oh ye me of little faith.  When will I learn that God is at work even in the “No.”  He loves me and desires what is best for me.  Had it gone my way I would be seeing one unknown specialist.  In the “No.” God gave me the choice of all of the specialists, and the pick of the very best ones.

I may just call some more tomorrow.  😉

God used my despair and disappointment to remind me of a very important truth, like Peter, I need adversity to get my eyes back on the Lord. 

Phew, wish I wasn’t so stubborn! 

I can picture in my mind the Lord gently holding my chin, tipping my head upward to see His face.  Then He says to me, “Look at me.  No, look in my eyes.  No, Deb, not the circumstances… just Me.  See I’m here.  I never left you.  Trust me!  I’m at work just keep looking at me I’m not finished yet!”

And so, I lift my eyes to His, and draw Closer to Christ.

“Behold the Lord God will come with strong hand, and His arm shall rule for Him: behold His reward is with Him, and His work before Him.  He shall feed His flock like a shepherd: He shall gather the lambs with His arm, and carry them in His bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young.”  Isaiah 40:10, 11 (emphasis mine)  

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Susan
    Jan 19, 2011 @ 09:25:13

    Oh Debbie, If you only knew what that last paragraph ment to me. I sit here cryign because I thnik I have to do this all on my own. I am tired and scared right now. I have 5 weeks left of this pregnancy and I feel like I am losing it. I have been afraid to get my hopes up this whole time. Thinking that we would go through the same thing we went through last time. Missing the baby I couldn’t hold, trying to be excited about this new baby that I willbe holding very soon, and forgettign one thing. i have taken my eyes off of God and put them on my circumstances. Thanks for the reminder.
    Susan

    Reply

  2. aintlosinmymarbles
    Jan 19, 2011 @ 10:54:57

    Susan, I ache for you. I remember one pregnancy that I had a hard time with. I wanted God’s will but I wasn’t ready for another baby. Then she was born and ended up in PICU with horrendous diagnoses’. I was so shamed at how I responded to the blessing of the Lord. I know your situation is *completely* different. And I don’t dare say I understand. We both have a friend Who does. Let’s encourage one another to go to Him with our frightening circumstances! Jeremiah 29:11-13

    Reply

  3. Karen Kuhns
    Jan 19, 2011 @ 19:13:21

    Oh my dear Deb:
    I was talking with Sherry Clark tonight an d several os us would like an address or phone number where we can be in touch! Please send it to me.
    I’m praying much for you . I read your blog here. We will continue to pray for you.

    We had lots of wind and rain today – so now it has really cooled down.
    Please pray for good weather next week for camp. Thanks.

    Reply

  4. aintlosinmymarbles
    Jan 19, 2011 @ 20:52:32

    Ok, Mama Kuhns, I’ll send it to you via facebook. And I will definitely be praying about camp! Please give Miss Sharon my greetings! Let her know that you both are examples of what it means to follow after Christ! Love you both!

    Reply

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